Postgraduate problems!

Fellow bloggers,

I have just discovered that this whole postgraduate malarkey is way more complicated than I first thought it would be. I spent my first two years of university being the young naive (albeit mostly drunk) undergraduate thinking that I had all the time in the world to decide and prepare for something that appeared to be a long way off. It was only until I finally came into third year that I realised that the time was approaching in where I needed to create a game plan. I need a fool-proof game plan for what I was going to do when I finally (I say when to be optimistic) graduated from my degree. What I have come to realise was that this game plan should've been written a long time ago and I should've been doing anything and everything to gain experience that will ultimately set me apart from every other graduate that will be applying for Masters/postgraduate courses. Instead I chose to drink and party and generally avoid any thoughts of the future.

Now, I find myself with deadlines for personal statements and applications for courses that I have only just decided I want to do; namely a PGCE for primary education. What I failed to think about whilst I had my great revelation about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life was think about the fact I have zero classroom experience and how I would need to have it. The problem here is that my university course requires weekday attendance and schools only run on weekdays leaving me LITTLE time to do the required classroom experience.

*breathes*

But even worse is when I finally get my butt into gear and research local primary schools where I live to ring up and arrange some work experience around my lecture timetable, I come face to face with yet another obstacle in the fact that the area I live in is student ridden and all have probably had the same thought as I did to ring them up but with the slight difference in that they thought of it earlier and got the place that I was wanting. THEREFORE, my option of doing work experience in a local school has just gone down the drain leaving me with a very sad face as a result.

Now, I have no clue about how I'm going to get the experience in order to get a postgraduate course in order to become a teacher and finally do what I want to do in life. I am so tempted, in my disappointed and let down state, to call the whole thing off, go home and be a bum for the rest of my existence.

But I shall not, and will try my hardest to find a solution to a problem that I'm making out to be the end of the world when in fact, it is simply an obstacle set out to trip me up to see whether I get back up on my feet and fight for what I want.

The End.

Discouraged Nicole...

It's just one of those days...

Firstly, I want to apologise to any guys that are reading this because this blog will definitely appeal to the ladies out there who I hope will understand. Today is one of those days that aren't especially bad for any reason at all but one of those days I find myself getting irritated with people, overemotional because I'm too sensitive around things people say and one of those days that nothing will satisfy me or make me happier than moaning. And what do you do when there is nobody around to moan at? You take to your blog and you spew all kinds of overemotional, girly rubbish about how hard your life is at the moment and how little chocolate you have to make you happy. Which, to any guys who are still reading, it is scientifically proven that chocolate makes you happier and so you can't tell us we're just making things up to justify our huge chocolate calorific intake; it's science. FACT.

Anyway, I'm moving away from the subject that this blog has. I don't know why we all have these days when we just feel like punching whoever is talking to us in the face, no matter how nice or lovely they are being because we know that there is some VERY insignificant about that person that is irritating us. I know this isn't just applicable to women, because men have the same fundamental days but being a women, I like to imagine that they don't understand anything about me because I'm in that kinda mood. I guess in life, our days aren't always going to be perfectly happy- we have to have our down days. I'm just happy they govern just a small minority of our days and time.

Although, some unexpected surprise that made me extremely happy happened earlier and will most likely become an aid in making myself feel better after I have posted this blog and it was courtesy of some kind man standing outside our University Student's Union. And what did this man do to make me such a happy camper (for like 10 seconds) I hear you ask- the magical man was handing out free, yes you heard me rightly, FREE Galaxy bars. And I must tell you Galaxy bars are my favourite chocolate in the whole wide world.

DAY. MADE.

I'm off to have my tea and chocolate whilst hosting a pity party from the comforts of my bed. Byeeee :)

Forensic Linguistics...

Evening all,

One of my modules this year at university is Forensic Linguistics. And I don't care whether you like, love or loathe English- the whole idea about investigating anything to do with forensics just gets our tails wagging and makes us all kinds of excited. When I first saw the modules that I could choose from, I literally thought to myself "I have to do this." There was nothing that was going to get in my way of becoming part investigator in my life; it was my time to shine in cracking the crimes. And if I'm being completely honest, part of my mind did go to CSI and Criminal Minds thinking that I could be the next person to solve a crime and be the hero. Don't lie to me, and tell me that you haven't watched one of those shows/episodes and not wanted to be the person that has the Eureka moment that puts everything together and you finally see what happened in a "ahhhhhhhh, I get it" moment.

One of the first things my lecturer said to us all was that it wasn't all about dead bodies and the hard hitting murder crimes and my heart dropped as I can imagine so did many others in the room who had held the same dream so dear to their heart. I thought we were going to be learning about how people can tell the difference between an actual suicide note and a fake one leading to the truth about a murder and whatnot. And although I'm sure in time, we'll touch on that, I know that the reality is going to probably be less hard hitting and more language bashing. But I think I'm okay with that.

The thing that gets me most interested is the fact that we say things and at the time, we have no idea how much of an impact or how much meaning is compacted into one simple, or so it appears to be, speech act. None of us think about the words we are going to use before we say them; we just do and they end up having the desired effect, most of the time anyway. That's one of the most interesting things about English Language, for me, looking beyond the seemingly random process of speaking and realising that beneath the surface, our minds work amazingly hard to unconsciously put across our thoughts, feelings and opinions without us even realising. I think that even without the murders and dead bodies, this module is going to be one of my favourite ones and it begs me to question whether or not I'd want to carry on down this sort of path (hoping that one day, my CSI dream might actually come true... I'm kidding- I think) and see where it could take me. The truth is, I don't know but I'm going to enjoy it whilst I get the amazing opportunity to learn about it all.

Peace out.

From the heart...

Dear bloggers,

It's been a while since my last post but I spent most of the day today, as I normally do everyday, daydreaming about things that people say and do and assessing how truthful it is to real life. I think it's possible that I live 95% of my day inside of my own head surrounded by the world I have created for myself up there whereby the land isn't as confusing and complicated as real life seems to be. I have realised through my time on this Earth, a tender 19 years, that the things that we are supposed to feel aren't always necessarily the things that we should be proud of.

As a member of a society these days that is so caught up with doing as much as possible in as little time as possible that somewhere along the way of early primary and secondary socialisation, we were taught wrong, our minds have created a box where we have put all of our high expectations and shut them away after being supplied, by society and those around us, false facts that they are essentially unattainable and unachievable. We were made to believe that these "grow up fast" assumptions and oversimplified achievements in life were ones we should hold close to our hearts when in actual fact, I believe the things we oversee as the further from ordinary are those that we should be applauding. We were left with the view that we should follow the crowd and expect less from our lives. For me, I can't help but feel a sadness settle over me when I think of so many young children being brought up in a world where instant gratification is more valued than the hard work and overwhelming sense of pride for deferred gratification.

You can very much call me old fashioned and potentially a product of a past where I didn't quite fit in with the average kids at school; but just one of those extremely lowered expectations I was speaking of previously does centre around the notion of needing to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I understand the pressures of peers to fit in with society around us, but that kind of social pressure to be normal has destroyed one of the most beautiful parts of the world we live in. This is by no means related to those that are with someone they love and care for very much but is directed at the teenagers who flit from "boy/girlfriend" to "boy/girlfriend" on a weekly basis. Gone are the days of finding someone to love forever, to give your whole self to like you've never before.

But most of all, and more generally, gone are the notions that if you wait, you aren't weird or not normal; you simply value, and place, your own happiness above everything else in life.

One of the things that inspired to write this blog today was my regular viewing time of social media that sparked my interest and got my creative juices flowing to create a single line that summed up everything I thought about life today according to this specific example/topic. And the line went a little like this:

"Staying with someone is not an achievement, but being able to make it on your own is the greatest achievement any one single human being can accomplish in life."

Regardless whether or not you choose to share my viewpoint or want to extensively criticise, and dissect my view into components and then single handedly point out the flaws; the only thing that matters is that in life you have your own opinion. It's one of the only things that isn't governed by someone else, nobody can tell you how you feel, or what to believe in unless you let them and it could one hundred per cent be considered magical that we have that- don't let someone rule your life any more than it legally and socially has to be.

That's all my brain can process for now, 

Until next time,

All my love and goodnight, Nicole

P.S. Because I'm feeling all philosophical and quote'y, here's another little pearl of wisdom that I want to bestow on each and every one of you.

"The little things in life don't mean anything unless they're done with the people that mean everything..."

Time Flies

Evening,

So I'm sitting in front of my laptop, thinking about how fast time goes by and I feel ridiculously old for even having a passing thought about life moving too fast but it's true. It's the eve before I go back to uni to complete my third and final year of my degree and I can't believe how fast it has gone. At the start, three years feels like a lifetime and you think it'll take ages before you even need to worry and start to think about graduating but here I am and I honestly don't know where the time has gone. I have all these wonderful new memories but it feels just yesterday when I moved into flat 11 in block J in Senghennydd Court with the greatest fear.

All the time, I think about the time when I will wake up at 30 and realise that my life has gone by quicker than imaginable and I hope that in that time I will have achieve my dreams; maybe not every single one because let's face it, life isn't perfect; but I hope for the most part, I will be able to look back and smile about my achievements. I wanna be able to have no regrets. I know regrets come from the things that you don't end up doing, and I hope that I am brave enough to take every single chance I get; whether or not the choices I make are right or wrong. I don't want to look back and think "what if I had done this differently."

Naturally, I know I'm going to have more than a few, but I know that if the majority of the time I have explored each avenue I want to, I know I won't be overly disappointed in my past.
The one thing I will take from my experience in university is that I have grown into a person that I am honestly proud of right now. I also have learnt so much about myself and how strong I can be giving hard circumstances.

Now, all I have to look forward to is hopefully graduating from uni and starting my dream...
Goodnight fellow bloggers,
Nicole in a daydream of thoughts
xx

Importance of friends...

Another day, another blog...

I've realised in my 20 years of life that to get through life, friends are one of the main sources of happiness. I haven't always had amazing friends to rely on but it just makes me feel more grateful and honored for having the friends that I do now. During High School, I flitted from groups of friends to other groups; mainly because those I got close to ended up leaving or just simply moved on to new friends. I distinctly remember one year in my High School experience when I had no one to hang out with during the day. The only way I stopped myself from not being completely alone was to hang out with my sister and her friends.

But in Sixth Form, I found the group of friends that I truly love with all my heart. I didn't know how much I had missed those years when I had nobody. A friend isn't just someone that is there to talk to when you have time when you're not doing anything. Friends are the people that you can show who you are, 100%, there's no reason for you to hide a particular trait because they accept you for everything you are, and everything you're not. Friends slowly become your family. Friends make you happy, make you mad and comfort you when you're sad; they're always there even if they aren't physically.

I would say I have the best group of friends but most would disagree, call me bias and say their group is better. The fact is, anyone who has a group of friends that is always there is a very lucky person, indeed. From Sixth Form and Uni, I have developed two groups of friends that mean everything to me. I thought with my past, it would be impossible for me to make friends and keep them but I realise I was just waiting for the right group of friends to give myself to.
I cherish my friends and hope that I bring something to their lives without them even realising.

The ever inconsistent aspiring writer,

I couldn't have asked for better best friends <3

Nicole.

Me and my other best friends (made at university)

P.S. Make sure your friends know how much they mean to you, true friends are hard to find. Once you've found your needle in the haystack, you don't want to let it go again- you may never find it again. The same could be said for good friends, they don't come around that often; be grateful.

A year on (Writing is my therapy)...

Good evening any readers who may stumble across this blog,

The crazy thing with writing is the fact that it's something physical; it's something that can be deleted but left alone it will stay there for weeks, months and even years. For some strange reason, I was drawn back to this blog that I started in a low moment in my life and reading back over the blogs that I churned out, I am a little amazed at how much emotion and love I poured into every post. It's funny that in a world where most of us are closed off, voluntarily, there's a place where we all feel safe enough to say it how it is, to tell our deepest emotions to complete strangers. That was definitely the appeal for me when I started this blog but something in my life has changed from that 18 year old girl who was just joining the big, bad world entering the unknown that was University. 

I'm not saying that I've become a different person because I haven't at all, I still have those memories and scars from that time but the past year of my life has held much more important and heart-wrenching sadness that the problems I had before seem almost minuscule. And now I'm facing going into my final year of University and thinking back over the last year.The worst pain I've ever felt in my life was losing my Nan last summer; I hadn't truly understood how people got depressed to a point where the world seemed like helpless but I hand on heart entered the world where the cloud of darkness didn't seem to dissipate regardless what I did; I had become depressed after losing my Nan. During my second year of Uni, two months after losing my Nan, I had to move back to Cardiff from London and be completely alone 3 hours away from my family. Trying to juggle life, Uni and grief is something that I failed at, I could never balance them out perfectly; but despite how far into the depths of sadness I went, I never gave up. I struggled through and even managed to keep my grades up fairly well given the circumstances. Granted, I cried myself to sleep every night and didn't see the point in smiling when the world looked so bleak. But I survived it and that's the one thing I forget when I think back to what I went through, I didn't give up; I survived whilst so many in the same situation hadn't. I think of myself as weak, but I know now that I hold some strength inside of me to overcome that.

Now, aged 20 and a year on, I can look back, I can see how much it served to make me open my eyes and realise how strong people can innately be. How strong I could be. As I sit here having read the previous blogs of struggle and thought back to more of my struggles, on a Saturday night at 11PM, I feel proud of myself; not only from what I managed to overcome but also because I realise that I have found something I love. Sometimes, I reread the things that I have written (on here, the quotes I create and the stories, complete and incomplete) and it feels like it has been written by a stranger, by a talented stranger because I honestly can't remember that I've written it. When I start my writing, for the stories I write in my spare time, I get lost in a world that is neither fiction nor reality, it is just a limbo where my heart rules my head. I don't think about every word I type, I just type and somehow my incoherent thoughts turn into something that I can only think of as quite magical. I know some people out there would disagree, and say that my writing isn't as good as I think it is. But isn't that the whole point of us having a passion? Isn't the whole point of loving something being that it is always there for us regardless whether we're amazing at it or shockingly bad?  It's something that brings us happiness and no body can take that away from us. I know I'm not the best writing at all but it helps me so much and I don't know how I could ever have gotten through moments in my past without the medium of writing. I'm proud of myself, honestly and truly. How many people can put their hand on their heart and say that there's something that they do that they're proud of? It's my passion, my thing; my calling in life. It gives me a reason to continue doing what I love.

During the year that I've been absent from my blogging, I managed to finish a book and self-publish/print it off. It was one of the best feelings in my life being able to complete something that makes me happy and have it physically in my hands. And at the moment, I'm half way through another project. I know I won't make it as a bestselling author, but part of me dreams that one day I'll see my books on a shelf being read by people that escape to my world, my head and get a small glimpse into my heart.
One day...

Over and out, until next time,

Nicole (happier version)

My finished printed out book (apologies for the lack of horizontal picture)

SUN... In Cardiff... What is wrong with this world?

Howdy,

On the very sunny day in Cardiff- which yes, some of you may say is a rariety; but it's not as rare as you might think. Anyway, as I sit in my Uni room gazing out lovingly at the sun in front of my laptop putting off working I wonder to myself where the hell has time gone. Just under 7 months ago, I started University and now after being my own person for that amount of time; I realise that my first year at Cardiff Uni is coming to an end and although my heart longs to be back in London, I am saddened by the thought that of my 3 year long experience, one year has already slipped through my fingers. I couldn't tell you where the time has gone because it has gone way too fast. I was sat talking about this with my friend yesterday; and we were saying how time goes faster as you get older, and it is then that I realise I'm going to be 19 soon, which for those who have already turned I now understand the big deal about it.

On another note; I thought I'd give you another taster of what I've been writing in case any of you are following or trying to follow my jumbled up mess of postings.

Happy sunbathing, stay safe; smile and enjoy the rare summerness of the UK. (or wherever you may be)
Post again soon,
Nicole xxx

Once again I stare at the reflection in the mirror as I unscrew the toothpaste lid and squeeze an ample amount onto my toothbrush. It’s not that I am majorly unattractive, granted I wasn’t anywhere close to be classified as attractive or pretty but I wasn’t ugly, or at least I didn’t so anyway. I have that kid look, with hair that I haven’t yet managed to find a style with, straightening takes too long; I’m not one of those girls who can do it in 2 seconds flat- my coordination between looking in the mirror, and placing the hair in-between the plates isn’t great. I always go too far forward or backwards that I miss to clamp the hair in the straighteners, which baffles me in how I can be so retarded sometimes. Anyway, instead it is scrapped back into the bog-standard ponytail, my brown hair has nothing special about it; probably, in fact the dullest shade of brown on the spectrum, which sums me up. The only things I really like about myself are my eyes, the fact that they are blue-green with sunflowers round the pupils. Clearly the only amount of detail added to me when I was born was my eyes with the slight unusualness from the standard blue/brown eye colours.

                I continue to brush my teeth whilst looking at myself in the mirror, tilting my head this way and that trying to find something different about myself; something that I had never noticed before but changes everything about me. I have no luck and spit out the toothpaste remains, washing my mouth out after with cold water. I pat the towel across my mouth and take one final look in the mirror with a sigh. When will I ever be beautiful? I walk out of the bathroom and into my bedroom with little hope of the day ahead of me.

                Despite the fact that it is Saturday, I have no plans along with the fact that I have no friends to have any plans with; I am still up at an early’ish time of 9 with the prospect of having nothing to do all day except work. I take a seat at my desk, start up my computer and watch out the window at the sun shining through the clouds trying to take control and be the centre of attention for the day. Opening up the word document that is always on my screen, I relax into the chair and smile knowing that this is my rightful place in the world.

I can have no friends, nobody who loves me and yet still be one of the happiest people alive because I know that no matter what Lucy and Sam will never leave me. Books and stories always made me happy in the past because I wasn’t myself, I was someone else whose world had their ups and downs but in the end the up prevailed and everything was happy. They took me away from the sadness that filled my world and my heart and gave me a chance to feel love; even if it wasn’t real and never going to be that way for me; it gave me hope. Although after a while, reading other people’s stories lost the thrill for me. I didn’t want to have to read about someone else’s thoughts and feelings. I wanted to write about how I would feel, what I would want from life and from a partner.

And, so after I while I plucked up the courage to start writing about how I would want my life to be if I could choose it. I wrote about how I wanted to look, how I wanted others to see me and how I wanted my friends to be like. It excited me to be able to become a different person for a while and it made me happy. I even created a family for my character or perhaps even alter-ego. It was until I realised that my story had heartache that I felt from being lonely and not feeling good enough that I could change all that. I didn’t have to make my character feel the way I was feeling at all. I could make her happy with taps of my keyboard and I did. I created “Sam” who was the guy that entered my dreams every night and made me smile as I wrote what I wanted him to say.

For a while I lost the Hannah in me as I craved to be Lucy, and I believed that for a moment I could be. I didn’t have to be this person that I was born to be; I could be someone else for a while. I grew up a little bit and realised that although I could feel happy about writing from a different perspective it would never be reality. It took the thrill away for a while but I learned to accept that I am who I am, whether people like it or not. And in time I generally believed that there was someone out there, my real Sam, who would like me and accept me for who I am; perhaps even love me. I relied less on Lucy and Sam but still enjoyed writing about them as if they were my friends rather than me being them.

                I begin to tap on the keyboard writing from where I left off. I rarely think about what I am writing when I write, but rather just have a single thought and roll with it. The words generally come to me with little effort and I can write for an hour straight without realising what I have been writing. I think that’s the most magical part of writing, when I can reread what I’ve written and not remember that I had added certain parts in and be amazed that the words were written by me and not some best-selling author. That’s my dream. To see my name on a hardback book placed on the shelf of a book store knowing that I can bring happiness to someone else like previous authors gave to me.

                The buzzing on the desk beside me takes me attention away from writing and I get annoyed at the distraction when I have just gotten into my stride and was currently writing about a tender moment between the couple in my story. I snatch up my phone and illuminate the screen with a push of the button. There indicates 2 messages on the screen. My heart flutters with hope and I try and squash it before I have a chance to be heartbroken, and yet the feeling stubbornly remains. I see that both are from Daniel and I open the one sent first and then the second one straight after.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone celebrated the New Year in with style and remembers the night, haha! It is always striking to me when we get to the end of ANOTHER year how fast it goes.

I look around at myself, my family and friends and wonder what things we achieved this year that made this year so special. I guess mine would have to be my success in my A levels and then as a result getting into Cardiff University.

Just the other day I was thinking about the very start of the year, them very long months ago and it shocked me that I had forgotten most of the start (still being in High School) Time is weird!!

Anyway, to avoid rambling, this is just a short post to wish everyone a Happy New Year and lets hope that 2011 is better than 2010 because, after all, every year should get better and better than the last.

Love,
Nicole xx

The world IS beautiful!

Hey,

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas. I'm sorry to anyone that has been reading my blogs (I doubt anyone is out there)… I haven’t had the inspirational bug recently but since I’ve come home from University to spend Christmas with my family I’ve been slightly inspired. Most inspired by one quote that I've always believed in and loved:

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Mark Twain

It’s an interesting quote, and a very truthful one at that. Most people these days see life as something that is there to provide them with complete happiness every year, every month, week and day of their life but it isn’t. It is true that life is a wonderful thing, but it’s also true that life is what you made it; you can’t go along in life expecting that everything will be handed to you on a silver platter. I always feel like I am ranting and I apologise; but recently in my life, I’ve seen that people take life for granted! Yes, everyone has their tough moments and times when they believe that life is no longer worth it but it is.

It makes me sad to see my family crumble as it is at the moment. Crumble under the imaginary things that worm their way into vulnerable minds and infect their very being. I’ve experienced, since being home, pain, sadness and utter disbelief. I’ve come home and don’t understand how much things have changed.

I sit here at the moment and watch the recent happenings in my life- and I’m powerless to do things to help to change things. I don’t want to have to watch my family face these problems day in day out with the heartache it causes.

It is true, the world doesn’t owe us a living; we have to make our own. I hope that the New Year enlightens us to do something about our life to create happiness and see that the world is a beautiful and colourful place… the grey areas just need to be coloured in and appreciated.

Have a marvellous New Year; and I hope that my blogs come more often and happier.

Much love,

Nicole x