NB: It is now 3:30PM and I am rereading this. I was not going to publish this because I feel like it was a topic that was too close to me, but I want to present my life to you guys via this blog and so don't judge me...
I am writing this blog from my phone in complete darkness at 12:46AM whilst all my family is sound asleep.
I don't aim for this blog to be "pity Nicole" but like every girl (and person) in modern society, I'm feeling more insecure right now that usual. All my life, I've been insecure, shy and lacking in confidence and although over the years I've stopped being so insecure and built together a small reserve of confidence, I still have my moments.
When I get asked what my biggest fear is, I always say the fear of not being good enough. This fear drives me in everything that I do in life. I try harder in everything I do to try and be good enough. And yet even though I have 11 GCSE's grade B and above, 3 A levels (A*A*A) and I'm on my way to getting a 2:1 degree with a place in a teaching course after I graduate; I still don't feel good enough...
I don't know where this stemmed from and I know that lots of people have the same fear but I let it rule my life. I overachieve to make up for my own perception of failure in my life.
I apologise for this, but blogging is personal, showcasing all aspects of my life. And right now, my fear has left me with the insecurities of teenage Nicole. I have the ghosts inside of me that I thought I vanquished a long time ago.
This doesn't help by the fact that I'm in the period of my life where family members question if I have any guys in my life and I can only answer with "I'm working on myself and getting myself where I want to be right now!" And it's not like I NEED a guy, but it draws me back to and feeds my biggest fear of not being good enough for someone.
Maybe I am destined to be a crazy cat lady, alone and unwanted like everyone keeps telling me...
Over and out from an emotional Nicole xxx
I am writing this blog from my phone in complete darkness at 12:46AM whilst all my family is sound asleep.
I don't aim for this blog to be "pity Nicole" but like every girl (and person) in modern society, I'm feeling more insecure right now that usual. All my life, I've been insecure, shy and lacking in confidence and although over the years I've stopped being so insecure and built together a small reserve of confidence, I still have my moments.
When I get asked what my biggest fear is, I always say the fear of not being good enough. This fear drives me in everything that I do in life. I try harder in everything I do to try and be good enough. And yet even though I have 11 GCSE's grade B and above, 3 A levels (A*A*A) and I'm on my way to getting a 2:1 degree with a place in a teaching course after I graduate; I still don't feel good enough...I don't know where this stemmed from and I know that lots of people have the same fear but I let it rule my life. I overachieve to make up for my own perception of failure in my life.
I apologise for this, but blogging is personal, showcasing all aspects of my life. And right now, my fear has left me with the insecurities of teenage Nicole. I have the ghosts inside of me that I thought I vanquished a long time ago.
This doesn't help by the fact that I'm in the period of my life where family members question if I have any guys in my life and I can only answer with "I'm working on myself and getting myself where I want to be right now!" And it's not like I NEED a guy, but it draws me back to and feeds my biggest fear of not being good enough for someone.
Maybe I am destined to be a crazy cat lady, alone and unwanted like everyone keeps telling me...
Over and out from an emotional Nicole xxx
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