Realisations

Waking up today in a fairly sombre mood, I had a couple of realisations on my mind.

1. I have now finished University and am the proud owner of a degree.

2. Missing the last couple of months in both my Nan and Grandad's lives have meant something because I now have a degree to show- something they'd be so proud of me for.

But at the same time I know that I will never get to tell my Nan that her Cardiff girl did it. I will never get to tell her that I graduated from Cardiff. She'll never know that me not being there with her in the last couple of months was worth it because I now have a degree.

I will never get to tell my Grandad that I'd be drinking less because I've finished Uni. I know he would've laughed so hard and accused me of still being drunk but I know he'd be proud of me. 

As I look back on my time at Uni, I know I will always have the lines "I never got to..." simply because whilst I was away at Uni having the time of my life, my Nan and Grandad were slowly losing their own lives and it kills me every time thinking about it. Nothing about Uni is easy, from moving away and living on your own for the first time to the deadlines and impossible expectations you put on yourself but no-one imagines it to be this hard; having to lose and grieve for two of the closest people in your life.

I know people say that you have to look at the fact you had 20 wonderful years of them which is more than most and the memories you have don't ever change but for once, I just want to be selfish and say that 20 years wasn't enough and it never will be enough. I wanted them to watch me grow up, get married and for them to see my children. I wanted them to watch all of my sisters and brother grow up and to be with us for years to come.

I just wanted and needed them for longer. I still do with all of my broken heart!

I know this period of time of finishing Uni is meant to be joyous and beyond happy filtered with relief but I can't seem to make myself happy about any of it. I tried to stop myself from feeling everything so I could carry on and finish my exams, to not mess my degree up and now that they're done, I have no distractions from the reality.

The reality that my Nan and Grandad are no longer here. My Nan and Grandad died...

I think for the rest of the day I'm just going to be crying my eyes out because I miss them so much. Life isn't the same anymore! I just want them back even if just for a day, an hour or minute. 

How is it fair that good people who have lots of people around who love them have to be taken from this world and evil people get to stay? It's such a childish and selfish view but I don't care; it's not fair! 

None of it is ever fair.

xoxoxo