Time is Flying

It was a month ago that I cruelly lost my Grandad. There was a tug of war between us family on Earth and my Nan wanting him in Heaven with her- ultimately she won.

It feels like yesterday I woke up with the ungodly feeling that the day was never going to be as I expected. From the second I went round to my Grandad's house to walk his dogs, I knew something was wrong when they were frantically clawing at me as if I was their only lifeline. My fears were only confirmed when my Mum told me my Dad was coming round to pick me up and bring me home. I was waiting on the side of the road for him crying my eyes out knowing what my Mum was going to tell me but wishing with all my heart it wasn't true.

Through my tears I asked "are you going to tell me what I think you're going to tell me" and he replied to me "I'm not going to say anything. But just be strong." And then we drove home in silence with me crying my eyes out. And I have hardly stopped crying every day since then. 

Just thinking about that morning makes me want to cry again and again multiple times a day, and I can't believe it's been a month already. It seems that time has flown by but at the same time, stood still.The day of his funeral, I felt like I was going to throw up and/or faint. In the church(?) I couldn't stop my whole body from shaking or my tears from falling from the moment the funeral cars left his house with his coffin inside, to the drive home from his funeral, I was crying.

All last summer I spent every morning with him, getting to know him, and him to know me. I feel thankful for getting that time but I hate that those are some of the last memories I'll ever have with him.

God it's hard writing a blog when your eyes are being blinded by tears.

There's nothing more that I can say other than our time was too short together and it hurts like hell to not have him with us any more  Even though I know he's with us in our hearts and minds but I want another laugh, another smile and another hug. My heart hurts. I can't stand being strong because I'm by myself at uni having to focus on work- I don't want to be, I just wanna be at home so badly that it makes me cry even harder.

Damn life!

I miss him so much and it still doesn't feel real that he's gone. It doesn't feel real that I won't be going to visit him when I get back from the train station after I've come back from Cardiff like I always do.

I ask myself why life is so harsh taking people away from us that we love? And I could rant and rave, whilst crying my heart out, about how much I hate life and how it's not fair, but I know the reason is because there are other people in Heaven that love and miss him too. It makes me feel better knowing that my Grandad is with his love but I wish they were both still here with us.

This poem has never rung more true than it has the past 2 years, and especially on this day:

If tears could build a stairway;

and memories a lane.

I would walk right up to Heaven

and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,

No time to say "Goodbye".

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,

and secret tears till flow.

What it meant to love you-

No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me

to mourn for you no more;

To remember all the happy times,

life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,

I pledge to you today,

A hollowed place within my heart

is where you'll always stay.

I will always love you Grandad, and Nan.

Never forgotten, and always missed greatly.

xxx