Tomorrow I start my 10 week final placement for my PGCE course and I'm really scared. I felt like this for my first placement but I felt a little more confident because I knen the children were only year 1 and it wasn't counting towards my final grade. BUT this one is counting to my final grade and will determine if I get QTS (qualified teacher status) and it is with year 5 (9-10 year olds), which scares me more than it should. I'm 21 years old and therefore should not be scared of 10 year olds but embarrassingly I am. I don't know how the children will react or how I will react when I stand i front of the class and start to teach them. I've only ever seen myself as a teacher with year 1 because that's the only experience I've ever had. Sure, I've helped in a year 4/5/6 class but it's very different helping the teacher, to being the teacher yourself.
I know there shouldn't be a reason for me to worry this much because I'm not going to be expected to be perfect. I'm learning and will make mistakes but that's one thing that I've never been very good at. I've never been good at accepting my flaws or being wrong or being criticised. Oops, probably in the wrong career but I love teaching and I think once I get into the swing of it and I start teaching more, the fear will slowly subside. I've always said that as long as I'm scared and nervous, it's a good thing. The nerves about doing it right make me care and if I didn't care I wouldn't be right for the job. The second I don't care is the second that I will stop teaching because although when I qualify, I will be a teacher, I will still be learning from now until I stop teaching as every day will be different and every child/class will be differer.
I'm also scared for the workload that I have to do between now and the 10 weeks that I am teaching. This placement is assessed and so I need to do more paperwork than I did before to make sure that I achieve the best grade that I can. It means the long hours that I already did and potentially even longer as well as the increase in documentation AND more teaching time. I will be getting into school at around 7:30 and potentially not leaving until 6:30/PM. That is a really long day especially considering I am not just sat at a desk with no need for contact. I will be stood in front of the class for 6 hours teaching and responding to the children and their moods. It's difficult and for anyone that says teaching is an easy job, I will cut off their legs.
As for the more teaching time, it is expected of me by week 3 to be teaching 75-80% of the time time. If we look at that in days and hours, it means that I will get 5-6 hours free, to observe other lessons, finish my paperwork for uni and lesson plan for the rest of the week. This in total would give me around a day of the week where I will not be "free" in the sense, I just won't be teaching. It's an incredible amount of time and I know people will say that when I'm teaching I will be teaching 100% of the time but I've only been teaching for 7 weeks. That is the time when I've been in a classroom as a teacher. It's not very long and it scares me to think that soon I might be a fully paid teacher in a school where the pressure will not decrease.
I'm a teacher and a student but right now, I feel like a sinking boat. I know I'm probably overemphasising all my worry but I really truly am scared to death of this placement. I hate feeling like this and know that the on slaughter of negative feedback is just around the corner. Many people have told me to not take it personally but I can't help it.
Ah, I can't stop tomorrow coming and so I need to suck it up, put on my big girl pants and try to get through it. I'm sure I'll get back to you with a diary of my feelings at a later date and I hope they are a little more positive. It's a stab in the dark but I hope they are. I know it'll come from a lot more stressed Nicole.
Never mind, life is difficult but most of the time, it's worth it.
I love you all.
Have a wonderful Sunday and please pray for me tomorrow. I would greatly appreciate it.
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment