Crazy Weird Dreams

Everyone falls asleep and after lots of dreams everyone wakes up with little or no recollection of what they have dreamt about.. I, on the other hand, have been remembering all my weird, crazy dreams as if they were real. And I don't know whether I'm having them because of my loneliness/sadness or stress/anxiety, or whether I'm just over thinking everything, but I thought I would share them with you and you can make your own decisions about what they mean. If you are good at decoding dreams, please do let me know what they could mean. Thank you. Each and every time I fell asleep in my normal routine, nothing different but awoke with surprisingly strong emotions.

1. Failing.

I recently tried to book my Maths Professional Skills Test to get onto my PGCE course, which I need to pass before 30th June. I had dreamt that the test was done like any other generic school test with paper test and a person marking it (which it isn't, it's done on a computer with electronic marking). So, I finished my test and handed it in waiting patiently for her to mark it in front of me. To my absolute horror, every question I answered, I got wrong and had to listen to her muttering horrible comments like "useless, wrong, wrong again etc." By the time she had finished and handed me back my paper, I knew that I had failed. But the words she said next hurt me the most:

"You're never going to make a good teacher if you can't even pass a stupid Maths test."

2. Being trapped.

Me and a couple of friends were going to a new underground club and once we got in there was an option of 3 different rooms. We all separated and tried a room each. The first had lots of people naked but painted from head to foot in vibrant colours dancing in lines and lines so that there was just an army of people. The music was low and drummy and I decided the second I walked in that I didn't like it. I instantly walked straight back out and tried the next room. Unfortunately, this room was harder to escape from. Unlike the room before, these people were completely naked, but dirty and once again dancing in strict lines. Two people at the door shouted at me to strip and join the army of dancers where I located my friend. Trying not to cry, I took off my clothes and walked down the lines trying to find a spot. As I was walking, I saw people dressed as guards taking people out of the line and taking them to the back of the hall. I inconspicuously followed them and found them tying those people to the beds. Their screams and pleads were drowned out by the music but I connected eyes with one of them and saw the terror in them.

Imagine this but completely naked and dirty as if they had been there for ages..

I knew I had to get out, and so I frantically tried to find a way out and much to my delight, I found an airvent that I prised open. The next thing I knew, my friend was beside me and we were butt naked crawling through the vent trying to run for our lives. The vent led to a corridor with multiple doors and we knew that we had to pick the right one to escape or we'd be dead. We went on the basis of ip, dip, do and pushed open the door to our delight at the sight of the entrance. Being completely naked, we ran  for our lives and the first person we saw, we asked to borrow some clothes. Somehow, we jumped from borrowing clothes to being in a library and looking at some books. I don't know what, where or how this dream ever came to me but if it doesn't sound scary to you; believe me, it really was.

3. Crash

Hollie will hate me for telling this dream but here goes. Me and my friend from uni were walking back from the library having worked there for hours. It was torrential rain and hurricane like winds, and as we were walking, the sight of a huge plane was getting closer and closer to us before it smacked down in the middle of the road crashing. Both of us screamed and burst into tears looking if there were any survivors. Before we knew it, the plane had been lifted up off the ground by the wind and people were flung from the plane before it burst into flames in the sky. The last thing I saw before my friend dragged me away was a little boy rolling down a hill bleeding having been from the wreckage. Once we were back at her house, her housemates gave us a make-over and told us to go out.

The next thing I knew, my friend Steph was there telling me that I should go get my alcohol from the house and get drunk given it was my birthday. I was surrounded by people but I decided that it was time for a bath and so I got naked and got in a bath telling everyone to shut their eyes. But one guy didn't and he had a cheeky grin on his face and I was mortified. Whilst I was in the bath, people were handing me presents and I was opening them/thanking them etc. Weird. Then after, I went with Steph to try and find my house (it wasn't really a house but rather like halls in the middle of a science convention (WTF??)) but I didn't have any keys so I went to a foyer to find my housemates. They were watching a scary film and so I sneaked in and shouted BOO scaring the lot of them. My housemate turned out to be Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman from True Blood) and he gave me a cheeky smile and I swooned because I secretly love him. 

Anyway, having the key, I went off to find my room (I'm also convinced we were together because it makes this story a whole lot better than it is) but no matter which corridor I went down, I couldn't find my room at all. 

And I was so upset because I couldn't find my way home :( And then I awoke...

Any thoughts or am I just clearly mentally insane?

They scare me and I wonder what the heck is going on in my brain and subconscious to think up 

such wild dreams... Never mind... Anyone wanna take me to a mental asylum?

Love to you all.

Hope you're enjoying your Tuesday

Nicole xxx

Motivational Monday #2

For today's motivational message, I want you to all think about what you wish to achieve in your life. What will be your mark that you leave on the Earth? And how do you think you're going to get there?

If success was free, the commodity would be as easy as breathing. 

Doing something that you love and want to achieve is hard but there isn't a way that you can cut corners to get what your heart desires. It's a long process that takes time and effort and has the potential to break you. I think if the something that you are striving towards is easy, you're not aiming high enough for your life. 

You get one life, and one chance to leave a lasting legacy. Why go small? If you have a dream, work your butt off to try and achieve it even if at the end of it you don't end up getting where you wanted to be. Another lovely, and meaningful motivational quote to me is that life isn't about the destination; it's about the journey. Nine times out of ten, the journey of trying to achieve success will be a lot more rewarding than the actual success is.

Don't take the easy way out: try, try, and try again. Take those stairs and climb the fricking mountain because being in an electricity powered elevator is no way to make yourself feel proud.

Success is not handed to us on a silver platter so don't sit around waiting for one to magically appear; get out there and grab every opportunity with both hands- it'll be hard but that's what makes it worth it.

Lots of love to you all, my shinning stars,

Nicole 

xxx

Last Motivational Monday:
Motivational Monday #1

Find That One Thing

You don't need a million things to make you smile and happy. You only need to find that one thing, above everything else bad going on in your life, that makes everything okay.
You just need to find that one small act of beauty in an otherwise chaotic and devastating world...

Care for Another?

Here we go again, Nicole being all self-important and trying to push her writing on us readers... Don't lie to me and tell me that you don't love it because I know you do! 

I thought I would share with you a different story that I have been working on for the past 2-3 years- it's one story that hasn't come easy to me, but I've tried to push past my usual story plot to challenge myself. I feel like it has the potential to hold so much more meaning and emotion packed into it. I've reached about 50,000 words for this one but I know that it needs serious reworking at every single chapter.

Let me know what you think about it! I hope you enjoy :D

An Angel's Infant

 

Prologue…

“This baby’s daddy is an angel.”

 A stab of pain shocks my body into convulsions with my hand instinctively finding and clutching at my stomach as if by miracle I can keep the little life inside of me from coming out. A lone, salty tear streaks down my face as a cruel representation of my life. Mascara clings to the droplet of water leaving the permanent trace of the agony for everyone to see. The tree above shelters me from the blazing sun for which I am thankful for, already drying up the wet patch I had previously made on the floor. Breathing in and out with shallow breaths was probably the only thing I can remember from the weeks of antenatal classes despite the fact I had paid copious attention to them. I reach for my phone and scroll through the contacts searching for the one person that I need most; the one person that keeps me from giving up on everything.

Pressing the call button on the phone, I wait impatiently for the rings to stop and a voice to be heard. Through clenched teeth and shallow breaths as I ride out another contraction, I mutter incomprehensible words down the receiver, “Mum, I… need… you.” The sudden surge of pain racking through my body makes me drop my phone on the floor as a contraction takes over my whole body rendering me useless and paralysed.

The world around me carries on as normal, as if I am invisible, something I've felt for most of my adult life and I drag myself over to the bench on the other side of the street with no help or assistance. I'm not surprised by the lack of help, it’s London after all and unless paperwork is flying around being carried by the wind, nobody bats an eyelash. I grab my phone and stab in the numbers ‘999’.

“Ambulance please.” Breathe in and out, in and out, I tell myself constantly for something to keep my mind from thinking over everything that has lead me to this situation. “Oxford Street, come quick please, my baby is coming.” I place my hands protectively around my stomach trying to be strong for my little one. It's only ever going to me and the little bean; I was going to be its everything and it was going to be mine. “It's okay baby, hold on. Mummy's got you.” I scream out in pain not caring about the etiquettes of being in public.

“Hello, are you okay?”

My hair drops down over my face, I push it back, and I can feel that it is slightly tinged with sweat from the exertion my body is placing in trying to deliver my miracle into the world. I peer up cautiously into the eyes of a businessman; I am tempted to look around to see if paperwork is flying but know that I need someone right now, even if it is a stranger.

 “Oh, yes. I'm just dandy. You know? I might even go play a bit of squash in a minute, get the old heart racing.” My sarcasm makes the man laugh unintentionally and he sits down next to me much to my surprise and secret delight.

 “Wrong question right, I have no idea what you need to do but I have a hand and I've seen the movies. Nobody should have to go through it alone, and until your husband comes, I shall lend you a hand.”

He holds out his tanned, muscular hand and I inspect it for a while choosing not to correct him about my husband coming to help me through. Thick black hairs cover part of his hand and even in my current predicament, I can't help but think that there's something extremely sexy about this. I feel my whole belly tighten and I anticipate the agony that I know will come only too soon preparing myself for the worst. Instinctively I grab for his hand needing the support, and the warm sensation that courses through my body soothes me, even if just for a little while.

I turn to look at him properly now that the pain has subsided for a bit, his grey eyes flecked with green tantalise me into feeling a sense of safety. His lips are perfectly carved whereby his bottom lip is bigger than his top, tingeing a rosy colour of red. His skin is smooth with a light golden tan, which suggests that he works abroad for his job. Stubble outlines his chin, a suggestion that he is a workaholic. I daydream for a while what it would be like to have someone beside me in this moment of time, but immediately come crashing down to the ground when the ambulance finally arrives and I realise that my perfectly created scene is just a daydream.

After the initial meet-and-greet, the paramedic lowers me into a wheelchair transporting me to the ambulance whilst soothing me with words of hope, promise and excitement.

“Do you want to come in the ambulance daddy-to-be or follow in your own car?” The bubbly ambulance lady directs at the man and I flame with redness as she misinterprets the situation.  

 “He’s not the daddy... This baby’s daddy is an angel.” Tears spring in my eyes and I swallow the lump formed in my throat before it has a chance to escape. I hold onto the man’s hand trying to relay how much it meant to me that he stopped.

"Thank you for keeping me company, I really appreciate it.” His lips pull up into a smile.

 “No problem, I'm Mark.”

 “Sarah.” I flinch as he places a hand on my bump unexpectedly but I let him.

“You be good for your Mummy," He says to the bump before looking up into my eyes and momentarily taking my breath away. "Good luck, Sarah.” Our hands part and I smile; the ambulance doors close and I concentrate on the miracle that is inside me.

Time is Flying

It was a month ago that I cruelly lost my Grandad. There was a tug of war between us family on Earth and my Nan wanting him in Heaven with her- ultimately she won.

It feels like yesterday I woke up with the ungodly feeling that the day was never going to be as I expected. From the second I went round to my Grandad's house to walk his dogs, I knew something was wrong when they were frantically clawing at me as if I was their only lifeline. My fears were only confirmed when my Mum told me my Dad was coming round to pick me up and bring me home. I was waiting on the side of the road for him crying my eyes out knowing what my Mum was going to tell me but wishing with all my heart it wasn't true.

Through my tears I asked "are you going to tell me what I think you're going to tell me" and he replied to me "I'm not going to say anything. But just be strong." And then we drove home in silence with me crying my eyes out. And I have hardly stopped crying every day since then. 

Just thinking about that morning makes me want to cry again and again multiple times a day, and I can't believe it's been a month already. It seems that time has flown by but at the same time, stood still.The day of his funeral, I felt like I was going to throw up and/or faint. In the church(?) I couldn't stop my whole body from shaking or my tears from falling from the moment the funeral cars left his house with his coffin inside, to the drive home from his funeral, I was crying.

All last summer I spent every morning with him, getting to know him, and him to know me. I feel thankful for getting that time but I hate that those are some of the last memories I'll ever have with him.

God it's hard writing a blog when your eyes are being blinded by tears.

There's nothing more that I can say other than our time was too short together and it hurts like hell to not have him with us any more  Even though I know he's with us in our hearts and minds but I want another laugh, another smile and another hug. My heart hurts. I can't stand being strong because I'm by myself at uni having to focus on work- I don't want to be, I just wanna be at home so badly that it makes me cry even harder.

Damn life!

I miss him so much and it still doesn't feel real that he's gone. It doesn't feel real that I won't be going to visit him when I get back from the train station after I've come back from Cardiff like I always do.

I ask myself why life is so harsh taking people away from us that we love? And I could rant and rave, whilst crying my heart out, about how much I hate life and how it's not fair, but I know the reason is because there are other people in Heaven that love and miss him too. It makes me feel better knowing that my Grandad is with his love but I wish they were both still here with us.

This poem has never rung more true than it has the past 2 years, and especially on this day:

If tears could build a stairway;

and memories a lane.

I would walk right up to Heaven

and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,

No time to say "Goodbye".

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,

and secret tears till flow.

What it meant to love you-

No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me

to mourn for you no more;

To remember all the happy times,

life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,

I pledge to you today,

A hollowed place within my heart

is where you'll always stay.

I will always love you Grandad, and Nan.

Never forgotten, and always missed greatly.

xxx

Discrimination & Funny Looks

Having been brought up around people with various disabilities, I believe that I have grown into a fine person where for the most part I can see people for who they are and not the medical condition that have. I feel like I can see past it and not discriminate or judge someone for the way they look or act. I can smile at them instead of walking away in fear and/or turning back round to stare. 

It has always annoyed and bothered me to the high heavens and right back again when people discriminate against those with disabilities who people wouldn't consider "normal" and give them funny, and sometimes really rude and disgusted looks. Trust me, in my time, I have seriously wanted to punch a few nobs in the head for doing just that to my family members. I can't fathom why people see those who are different as being a good target to be the butt of their jokes. It makes me so mad and so upset.

I feel like with my Communication Disorders module, I can become an even better person and appreciate those who have a lot more to contend with than your average person by getting to know about those conditions that people stare at and make fun of. Knowledge is power and I know people stare and judge because they have a serious problem with lack of knowledge and intelligence. Yesterday, whilst I was watching copious Youtube videos avoiding work, I came across so many nasty comments that made fun of people with disabilities and it made me so mad to the point that it just makes me wonder what the hell our species is turning into!

People are so inherently judgemental and so self-centred that they don't even realise how horrible they are being in their what they believe are funny remarks. It makes me wish that there was a way of taking those types of people and make them experience the medical condition as well as the negativity they receive in the streets etc. from people like them who make jokes and laugh at others.

Is it really too much to ask people to treat others with an ounce of respect and dignity for the human being that is separate from the condition; that feels and hurts just like me and you? I challenge you all next time you look at someone who is different and think whatever negative thought you are, just take a step back and stop yourself.

The most loving, and happiest people in my life are those that are laden with a condition that is so unfair and unkind to the very core of their innocent nature. They are kind, gentle and the nicest people you could ever meet and shame on any of you who think otherwise and choose to be horrible about people just because you don't understand. We are blessed to be in the presence of people who are pure, innocent and absolute angels living and breathing among us "normal" folk on Earth.

We are blessed to be in their company not the other way round. We can all learn great lessons and the true meaning of life from those that are different to us.

Thursday rant over. You can all go about your daily life now

Lots of love to you all,

Nicole xxx

Snapchat

I am obsessed with making ugly faces and sending them to my friends allowing them all access to unsightly Nicole for 6 seconds...

SnapChat appears to be the new thing for mobile users, and it has become increasingly popular in my life. I love it. It gives me a chance to send my friends funny pictures, free of charge, that light up my life and make me smile. Most of the time, it's me pulling ridiculously, unattractive faces and then a couple scattering really random pictures of things around me at the time.

I feel like we are so worried about how people see us and whether they're viewing us as pretty or not that having to send a picture that will automatically be saved is one of pure and utter fear. This allows people to send stupid pictures without that worry of it ending up online for everyone to see. It definitely appeals to me in that sense.

Just for you guys, I asked one of my best friends, Hollie, to save some of her SnapChat pictures so that I could share them with you whilst raving about how much I love this app. If you haven't tried it, give it a go, it's a hoot!

These are just a few of the *better* pictures that we have sent, and I hope you all enjoyed our random pictures.

Give it a go, it's ensured that you will be bending over, holding your sides laughing the more you send and the less inhibited you feel to send horrible pictures of yourself. They only last 6 seconds if you don't screen-capture them... ;)

Lovessss,

Nicole

xxx

How to Conquer Revision

Over my many of years being a student, I know that there is a time when you need to work- even if you are a self-confessed night-before-deadline-assignment-finisher. The fact of life that everyone ultimately has to come to realise is that unless your parents are Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, or you Grandmother is The Queen- you aren't going to get everything handed to you on a plate. There are times in life when we really have to knuckle down, get our hands dirty (from ink explosions) and put in as much as we want to get out.

Cue exam period...

For me, this is always a stressful time when I'm trying to fit in revision and so I've devised what I hope is a very productive and helpful way of making the mountain a little less like Mount Everest and a little more like the hilly mound of grass that you would run up in a park and get just a little bit worn out.

♥ Start early.

I don't mean get down to the hardcore revision sessions a month before your first exam but I do definitely recommend getting in the mindset of doing a little everyday. Half the reason people get so panicked and end up not feeling prepared is because they've left it too late in the game to be able to fit in all the revision they need. Be prepared- you wouldn't go to war without having all your armour and having checked your guns have enough ammunition for the task ahead; so you shouldn't leave yourself vulnerable for exams.

♥ Make a plan.

It's easier to get small, manageable tasks done when you have a plan of what you're going to do, on what days and how much you want to achieve. If you sit down and just expect to revise  you'll end up not feeling a sense of achievement in the long run. 

Small goals = small victories = motivation = success. 

Plan, plan and plan. If you don't stick to it because you're having a bad day- that's fine, you can always make up for it the next day.

♥ Clear your work space.

There's nothing like clogging up your mind with useless crap in your work space that will distract you. A clear table = a clear mind ready for the task ahead of you. This also means that if you don't need your laptop or Internet- Turn. It. Off. There's nothing more distracting than anything around you posing as much more fun that your revision. It may be a small price to pay to be isolated from the whole for a couple of hours but when you get your results through; you know it would've been worth it.

♥ Keep hydrated, energised and well-rested.

No, I don't mean have a stack of Redbull next to you to give you more energy- I mean real energy that is taken from eating good dinners and having healthy snacks to give you brain power. If you're hungry, or thirsty or dead on your feet, you're not going to work to your best of your ability. If we think about the bigger picture, exam period is a month and a half- maybe even 2 months, and in retrospect to your life, it's practically a minute. Set yourself up for the best possible start in life; take every opportunity with two hands because they might not come around again.

♥ Always remember that you can do it.

I've definitely felt the feelings of just wanting to give up and asking myself what the point is, but you are there doing whatever exams, whatever qualification/degree for a reason. You can do it or you wouldn't be where you are. It's difficult to remember that you are smart and you can do it but knowing that you can will change your whole perspective and make you work more efficiently. You've got this! Have faith in yourself, my duckling!

Happy revision to you all, I shall now get back to my own now that I have finished my good cause of the day to inspire you all. 

I shall leave you with one final quote in case my preaching to you all didn't quite work its magic.

"You don't have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things - to compete. You can be just an ordinary chap, sufficiently motivated to reach challenging goals." ~ Edmund Hillary

Lots of love,

Your ever so consistent, albeit silly, blogger, Nicole! 

xxx

Motivational Monday #1

Okay, so I am going to start this new thing for my every day blog; it's a segment called "Motivational Monday." I'm not sure how long I will run it for but let me know what you think of this idea- like/dislike/don't care... 

We all have those moments on Monday morning where our motivation is at an all time low because we know that the working week has only just started and the weekend seems too far away. We all need little motivational moments that will pick us up from our reverie. Cue Nicole.

Today's motivational message that I am sending to all you beautiful people is:

Half of the time, we are all looking forward to something in the future rather than focusing on the day we are currently living. I feel like it is a very Western societal thing to be fast paced, and to think about a million other things that makes us lose out on the actual beauty of a day. We can't go around living for next week, or the week after, or even whatever is going to be happening in a month's time.

Today, I want you to take today and just enjoy it. 

Enjoy every small detail that you would otherwise miss. For instance, the small delight on someone's face as they walk down the street, or the just blooming flowers or even just the fact that today will be a good day because the sun is shining. Every day is a miracle and it should be lived to the fullest, not wasted away. Every day is precious.

Let's not wish our life away, let's enjoy every single second that we are blessed to have. I promise you, it'll make you a happier person.

I hope that today you are a little bit more motivated to love your life, because you are special, loved and deserve happiness.

I love you all my lovely little ducklings.

Keep smiling!

Nicole

xxx

Lost Friendship

I have a situation that is currently making me feel like I'm not worth anything and making me so lonely...

Friends are the basis of a happy life, they're up there with family and they're essential for us to navigate this world successfully and happily. Most of the times, friendship is plain sailing. Sometimes, we come across small storms on the otherwise peaceful journey but we get by them with little or no hitches. But once in a while, when you're least expecting it, there's a huge iceberg that is put in the way of your little friendship and you have the real possibility that this time, you might just sink.

I never argue with my friends. I just don't. I don't know whether that's because we never have anything to argue about, or I ignore the situations but I don't argue. We have silly, little annoyances from time to time but they never last longer than a day. So,when everything happened with my Grandad dying and my Aunt being really sick in hospital, I knew that my friends would just be there for me. And they were, 2 people in particular that I know I wouldn't have got through without them being there.

But then I come to my friend that wasn't there; the one person I thought was going to be from Day 1 without me even having to ask... Guess what?

She wasn't and she hasn't been since.

I came back to uni disappointed with this friend and knew that perhaps distance is a hard thing to overcome when trying to make a person feel better (especially over someone dying), so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But the fact is, distance wasn't the problem; a sheer lack of caring was. And you know what? It breaks my heart all over again to know that she just really doesn't care at all about me/what I'm going through/what I'm feeling.

It was hard enough to have to come back to uni as it is, without knowing that she wasn't going to be there to support me and help me through this hard time. It's meant that I've had to be even stronger trying to get through the days without my family.

Not only did I lose a Grandad this past month but it seems that I've lost my best friend too. I needed and still do need her for the days I come home from uni crying my eyes out because I'm that sad; and she's just not there...

It's a sad story and now? I can't even be bothered to try and be a friend when I need her the most and she doesn't even ask me if I'm okay or how I'm coping with being away from family after losing one of the most important people in my life. 

The other day, Harry (my other housemate) showed me this and I think it sums up what's happened to the 3 of us very well. Who needs a best friend when you have a new, amazing boyfriend? I get the inital flush of lust, but is it really worth losing a friend over? I don't get it.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/sep/15/price-love-close-friends-relationship

I'm so upset with everything, especially my Grandad and she can't even see past her own happiness.

How is life fair?

Welcome to Nicoleville, where at the moment- tears are shed far more than smiles. Anyone else wanna volunteer as my best friend? I have a vacancy going...

Lots of love to you,

Do me a favour please and tell your best friend that you love them and are always there for them whenever they need you, it's important. I wish my best friend would...

Nicole 

xxx

Rule #7

That is all...

Dreaded Results

It's this time of semester that I really end up dreading. It doesn't help that half the time I don't feel smart enough to be in my final year of Uni. It means so much to me to academically do well because all my life I've been a nerd. I've said it, I am a self-confessed nerd who likes school/uni and learning. And over the years, I haven't been too bad at this whole education system.

Today, I was so worried about my results. Even my lecturer had to tell me off in my seminar today about not collecting my results earlier. As I walked out the door, she said "Go get your results now, that's an order." And my itchy hand had to stow away my want to salute and add a "Yes sir" to her command.

I got my results and I didn't do half bad. I know this is a recurring line that I've been saying for weeks now, but my marks are surprisingly okay given the emotional circumstances that I went through whilst completing them. I got a 60, 63 and a 75.

I'm happy, and I am more than relived that I am still well on my way to graduating with a 2:1. It's insane.

I even rewaded myself  with a cheeky, unintentional nap... Oops (not oops)

I hope you are all looking forward to the weekend, kick back and relax.

Lots of love,

Nicoley Bean xxx

Trials of Short Hair

I am (or should I say was) the self-confessed owner of long hair and having long hair was a big part of my identity. I had obviously cut it shoulder-length before, many of times when I was younger but if you were to ask people what my defining, and long-term feature had been; it would be my long hair.

Now as you all must know, since January, I have had super short hair- and it was good at the start because it was fresh, new and exciting. Plus, I had cut my hair off for a good reason and so the remnants of being an awesome person made me like my new hair even more...

But, since then; my hair has grown and it doesn't look as good as it did. The problem with this is that I don't want to re-cut it shorter because I kinda miss my long hair and so want to grow it. BUT I would rather I got it cut short because it'd look better in the meantime. Although, long term I would be faced with this problem once again when it grew that little bit longer. It means that I get left with hair that I really don't like.

To cut or not to cut, that is the question- as a wise old English playwright once said... 

I think I need to stop being so appearance centred and just know that I cut my hair for a good cause, I experimented and although I would rather it longer now, I get the wonder privilege to know that over time my hair will end up growing. There are some people out there who can't grow their hair, or don't have any hair full stop.

It's these sorts of times that I know I have to take a step back, look at the bigger picture and re-assess everything I had thought about previously. And therefore, the whole point of this blog is to not moan but rather to say:

"So what I don't like my hair at its current length? It's only hair, at least I have some."

What parts of your life do you dislike but then once you step back do you realise that it's really insignificant?

Happy Thursday,

xxx

Margaret Thatcher

Today is the day that The Iron Lady is finally laid to rest.

The funeral of our very first, and only, female Prime Minister will be one of controversy. It is well known and documented that the whole of United Kingdom is split between loving her and absolutely hating her but we must not forget that she was someone's daughter, wife and mother. Regardless of how we feel about the way she handled the country (her job), every human being should deserve respect and love on the day of their funeral. No one should have to be laid to rest with hatred following them to wherever they end up.

Whether she screwed up the country or not, the fact is our country will still be here, still in trouble of some sort and potentially still be facing a rocky future because life isn't perfect. She was a figure of historical greatness, even if simply because she was the first female Prime Minister and lead the way for more women to take control of their beliefs and stand up for what they believe in.

R.I.P Margaret Thatcher, may you live on in the hearts and minds of those that loved you.

Also, I would like to wish my wonderful Dad, a very happy birthday and hope that he has a lovely day. I'm sad that I can't be with him and my family today but I know that he understands uni beckons my attention.

Lots of love,

Nicole

xxx

Hearts and Thoughts With Boston and the World!

As if we didn't have enough evidence in life to say that it is cruel and unfair, there's just another reminder to everyone how delicate life is and how vile some people can be.

I'm pretty sure most of you have all heard about the tragedy that happened at the Boston Marathon yesterday. I couldn't fathom when I heard it how anyone could want to hurt those people but then again, that's the part that distinguishes us from those monsters. When I saw the images, the real tragedy hit home for me- how much devastation was caused and how much suffering those people were put through.

A marathon is one of the most gruelling tasks, both mentally and physically, and for those athletes to reach the finish line at all is a miracle. Someone so sadistic and evil took that achievement away from them at the moment that bomb exploded. Not only did it affect the athletes but bystanders and family members who would've been blissfully unaware of anything other than the intense feelings of pride for the athletes.

It breaks my heart to think that so many people are going through the pain of losing loved ones over something so inhumane. I know how it feels to suddenly lose someone and I wouldn't wish that on my enemy let alone innocent people. I am extending the love in my heart and the strength in my thoughts to everyone affected by the tragedy.

This is not an isolated case of devastation around the world, and nor will it be the last. There are so many conflicts and personal tragedies in the world every day and it makes me want to weep thinking about it. There is so much pain and suffering but to stop that, we need to replace it with love. For that, I extend the love in my heart to each and every single one of you, and hope that you're all well and if not, that things get better soon so that the smile that everyone loves so much can be back on your beautiful face again.

"When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you ~ Louis Armstrong"

If anyone ever needs to talk about what they're going through, I am always here as an ear to listen, an advice giver and a friend.

Love to you all,

Nicole 

xxx

Lectures.. What Are Those Again?

I've only been back to the daily grind of lectures for a day and I'm already doing anything and everything I can to avoid doing any work...

That's what we call a very successful student in the 21st Century.

I am also in the process of applying for a new passport given the fact mine is going to expire June 2013... I like to leave things to the last minute. The only trouble is, if I send my passport off too late in May, I won't get it back to go out celebrating the end of my exams AND I run the risk of not having it back for my 21st birthday. Dilemmas.

It also means that I can't go out drinking or clubbing between now and whenever it arrives because I don't have any other form of ID- hopefully in the next 3 weeks. This may be a good thing I hear you say because I should technically be focusing on my studies but whether that actually happens is another matter.

I had my first passport when I was just shy of 16 and it was very interesting for me to put my 16 year old picture next to my almost 21 year old self and see how (if at all) much different I look. I think I look pretty much the same. My face has filled out a bit more from putting on weight thanks to puberty but I have definitely not changed dramatically. Is that a good thing or not? Who knows...

I can't believe that I was only 16 years old in that picture and realise how fast time is going. I only have a month and a half left of uni and under 2 months til I am 21. Crazy!

On a separate note, I think I'm getting sick because I have had an earache for a couple of days now and I generally feel run down. Thanks immune system, I really appreciate that.

Hope you're all having a lovely Monday- it was a little too sticky humid for me outside today but I don't know if that was because I hadn't eaten anything when I was walking around midday today. Anyone have any ideas on why the clammy heat seemed to bother me so much today?

I'll stop rabbiting and leave you all in peace until tomorrow ;)

Love to you all, my beautiful people

xxx

Back to Uni

So after 3 long and tiring weeks home filled with utter sadness, desolation and cruelty; it's time for me to go back to uni.

I'll let you in on a little secret: 

I'm not ready. I'm not ready to face uni and work with the current mindset I have. I'm not ready to go it alone to an extent.

But it has to be done...

All aboard!!

xxx

The Lion King

It's official.

I am going to see The Lion King in The Lyceum Theatre in London- June 14th. 

Yesterday, I was feeling a little low and sad and I needed something to pick me up otherwise I was only going to get more sad as the days went on. I think the reality of having to go back to uni had really sunk in given the fact I had booked my coach ticket an hour or so earlier.

The perfect antidote to this came from my sister who sent me a text saying she had emailed me something that I might find interest of. To be perfectly honest, I thought this would've been a video of my other sister's puppy (as I have received emails of that before) but it was a website saying that there was no booking fee for tickets to The Lion King.

Out of curiosity, I looked at the prices without the intention of buying any but then I got too excited. I had looked previously (copious times) and the cheapest I had found, with relatively good seats, were £75-£100. That was far too much for me. But thankfully, these tickets were £65 and given the fact that I was already sad, I just thought "why the heck not?" I never really spend my money on things that I really want. And I've been wanting to see this show for years, no lie- at least 3 years minimum.

Also, I am turning 21 this year and graduating from Cardiff University and so I thought I would treat myself- the perfect way to do so. 

My Mum, Dad and I are all going and it's going to be so good. I already can't wait and it's not even THAT close.

I'm so excited!!

xxxx

Positivity

The current situation in my family is not the most desirable but to get through it all, I've been trying my hand at positive thinking. My advice to everyone is always think positive and you'll automatically feel better  The problem is that I'm told I'm a great advice giver but I never take my own advice.

Instead of thinking that I have lost my Grandad, I know I need to count my lucky stars for having him in my life for as long as I did.

Instead of thinking of all the pain that I am feeling, I know I need to remember that my Grandad is no longer in any pain.

Instead of thinking that I will never see my Grandad again, I know I need to remember that there will come a day when I will be reunited with him.

I forget this daily, multiple times but whenever I catch myself thinking these, I think my hardest to rectify my thoughts. It doesn't really work right now but there will be a day where I can smile at my loss and remember how lucky I am, and how grateful I am towards life.

I'd like to say that my blogs will be a little bit more upbeat and less about my pain and loss but the truth is, this blog is like my diary- rightly or wrongly. I know that there have been plenty of times that I have shared my inner thoughts with you guys and I feel like it brings us closer together as I share another piece of my life with you. 

I'm very thankful for everyone who is providing my support just by reading this blog and for sticking by me. You all mean the world to me. Just seeing the fact there's people out there who care enough to keep coming back each day to check out my little blog.

Love to you all, and I shall leave you with this...

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them." ~ The Crow, written by James O'Barr, David J. Schow, and John Shirley, 1994. ♥ 
A star shines bright for every loss encountered.

Greedy Puppy

Molly is a pig.

On every other day, this is mildly annoying but today this was damn right scary. We gave Molly a Dentastix chew for small dogs and we thought she would just chew it like she had done before with other types of chews that we had given her. But this greedy puppy decided that she was going to chew it and then swallow it whole...

Enter frantic Ryan household.

She kept running round the house frantically and not breathing and there were 3 of us girls trying to stop Molly from choking and ultimately dying but we were all too scared that we wouldn't be able to help her so we screamed for our brother to come help us. We literally thought she was going to die!

Thankfully, between the 4 of us, we could dislodge the chew from her throat and we took care making sure she was breathing again before we were sure to let her go.

I've never felt fear like I had earlier.

My whole body was shaking and I thought I was going to witness her dying. She went for a walk and came back and when she gave us kisses (licks), I knew that she was 100% fine.

Molly is a pig and today we learnt that she needs to be supervised when eating things because she's a greedy puppy.

Never again do I want to feel the same fear as I did tonight.

And now we can all breathe...

xxx

Shall I Continue?

This will be the 131st consecutive blog that I have done since December 2012... I've gotten to a point in my life where writing a blog every day has become more of a chore than it has been an exciting prospect. I think this is probably because of the family situation that I have going on right now but for now I am wondering whether it is worth me continuing blogging every day just for the sake of being able to say that I have kept at it.

At the start of the year, my goal was to continue blogging every day and I have exceeding all my expectations of what I thought I could achieve. 

What do you guys think about me continue blogging every day or to only blog when I feel like I have great inspiration to do so. I think that there's no point churning out blogs that will be sub par and making you read them every day if they're a load of crap. 

Thoughts?

Lots of love

Nicole xxx

This is Me

Grandad Baker

Today is a short blog for obvious reasons.

Today I am celebrating the life of my wonderful Grandad- for everything he has done, all the love he has given and has subsequently received and all the people that are going to miss him greatly.

Fly upon the angels now.

We love you, and miss you!

xxxxx

Movie Magnificence

I want to dedicate this blog to wishing my friend, Rachel, a very Happy 21st Birthday.

Last night we had an amazing night filled with fancy dress- Hollywood edition. Everyone had made incredible efforts wtih dressing up ranging from the Birthday girl herself in a floor length Belle dress like the one in the film, to Star Wars Stormtroopers and Princess Leia to what seemed a very hot Scooby Doo outfit.

The night was filled with great friends, a few alcoholic beverages, awkward I-can't-dance dancing and good music- a wonderful night in my book!

I hope you had an amazing night Rachel because we all did. You looked beautiful and I was positively envious of your dress and how nice it looked. Thanks for the invite and have a wonderful birthday today! Hopefully you're not too hungover ;)

The fact is that we'll all getting so old and it's sad but kind of exciting at the same time. We always want to be older when we're younger but when we reach the age we've been waiting for, we always want to go back to being younger. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. But you can't turn back the time so getting old is what you make it- something fun and exciting.

Lots of love,
Nicole

Ramblings

These are my ramblings where I am trying to find peace in a world where rhyme nor reason can explain the cruelty of reality. 

Late night submissions profiling my deepest, darkest thoughts in times where the harsh reality of life is inescapable and the feelings of life are too overwhelming to keep them lock inside my heart:

They say that the loss of someone close to you makes you a stronger person; a more appreciative person of life but the reality is that sometimes the loss of someone makes you lose an extra part of yourself that you need.  As human beings, through our existence we are constructed from compiling together pieces we acquire from others completing a 3D jigsaw of ourselves that we reflect to others. A loss and goodbye takes away one of those pieces leaving a gap of who we are that cannot be filled.

The age old quote of “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” resounds in your mind whenever you realise that you are facing the world one ally less than you were before. In a world where distrust; disharmony and destruction gains a higher precedence over solidarity and compassion, there has never been a greater time for the necessity of allies to support our meander through the place we call life.

Goodbyes are unavoidable, life is short and time runs out faster than we can ever begin to imagine. Blink for longer than a second and you’ll miss a great portion of the time we have on this Earth.

“Nothing keeps. There is one law in the universe: Now.” ~ Alfred Sutro

Time Runs Out

Hug your family 

and tell them you love them.

Nothing in this world matters more than family.

When nothing in the world feels right,

you can always rely on those around you to put a smile on your face.

Tears show how much you care.

Life is short,

spend it with those that mean everything.

Miss you Grandad- I only really just got to know you, and now I've lost you. It hurts to know that I will never see you smile again, never see you laugh and never get accused of being drunk around you.

We love you, and miss you. One day we'll all be together again. Tell Nan we miss and love her too

My heart is heavy and my eyes are teary- time runs out before you're ready

xxx

Fail

Today was the day that I was finally going to feel useful in a situation where I'm utterly useless...

I had planned to give blood, went to the centre and found out that I was low on iron but thankfully above the level of not being able to give blood. This was such good news to me and I was extremely thankful that I was going to give blood. I had the glass of water waiting to be called for my time to be able to donate and I got into the chair, and the needle went in.

The blood didn't come out.

I had 3 nurses prodding me with the needle, pushing it in and wiggling it round to try and find the blood. For 10 minutes I was poked and prodded by the needle. It didn't come out, at all.

So now, I have 3 needles marks for nothing; no donation.

I feel as useless as I did before and now it just makes me want to cry. 

The one chance I get to being useful and I can't even do that.

Today, I'm useless like every other day.