Overwhelmed

I knew this course would be a lot to do in the year because of how much information and practice is squashed into too few months but I didn't quite realise how stressful and overwhelming it would be. There are days that I feel like I'm breezing through without a care in the world, going to lectures, having fun with my friends and going home to watch TV as a break from working. But other days, and this is more recently, I've been getting so wound up by what I need to do during the day that I can't wind down. I am either worrying about essays, thinking about job applications or completely crumbling over the fact that there's too much to do. And when I stress, I don't tend to get lots of things done.

I get up at 5:30/5:45AM every morning and am waiting on the train platform at 7, I then don't get back home until around 6 at night which means that by the time I'm home, I don't want to work. But I know I have to, this means that I get so worked up about needing to work that I generally start crying. It's a fact. I feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above the water and failing at the moment. I don't know whether it's because I can't do it or I'm overcomplicating it but I'm knackered. And I know people do the job everyday and people are more tired than me, but for me I'm not just physically tired, I'm emotionally and mentally tired. I have so many things to think about.

And it's bad because when I'm out with people having fun, in the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing instead. I know I need some time to myself but where I'm not quite sure what I need to be doing for any of my essays due to lack of communication at uni, I can't bear the thought of losing hours out and about when I should be working.

I'm overwhelmed, overworked and underchilled out. (I know that's not a thing but I really can't be bothered to think of anything else).

So if you know me in real life and I'm not planning things to go out or I don't reply back to your texts quickly or ever, OR I'm constantly saying I can't go out, it's nothing personal. It's just a little Nicole meltdown. I don't mean to, it just happens. Essays make me crazy because I know how rubbish I am at them! It's just too hard.

Life is hard.

Rant over. Feeling sorry for self over! I apologise, haha!

xxx